When I was young I would never turn down an overnight

binge.

I knew little about the world, and I couldn’t careless about

what’s happening and how it affected me.

All I knew was, for as long as I am enjoying my stay here in this

world, to hell with everything else.

I was just too narcissistic and few of my acquaintances would

definitely say, well, you haven’t changed a bit.

I don’t know what is up, but I’m feeling different.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol in my system, or maybe

just maybe, I had too much barbecue!

previously rejected me..

This time I was able to go through with it till

the very end, which was the final interview.

There’s a stigma that goes with being let go

by your previous company.

That made me tell a white lie, and it didn’t go

well..

She didn’t think I could be with their company

for a very long time..

But she had nothing but praises for me..

I guess I should have just told them that I

was also a victim of the economic recession.

I was one of those people that were laid off.

They chosed me because I took more time to

get used to their system, and also because

I am seriously considering a career change..

But it was a good learning experience and I 

benefited a lot from it.

Maybe its time to just hang loose and follow

my heart..

Even if I starve to death, atleast

I am happy!

I don’t know why but, I tend to slack off more..

There is no certain bounce in my step..

Everything seems to become a drag..

No more inner passion..

I guess me like everyone in this world has submitted to this

suffering and pain of existence..

We just exist.

It makes me sad when I come out of that state, every now and then.

But when I get to that hypnotic state everything turns out fine..

I have submitted 4 resumes in the past months.

I’m giving up on my so called dreams.

I’m tired of hustling.

From now on I’ll just submit to anything life will give me..

I’ll be full of gratitude and accept my fate as is..

One employer called me from a big reputable company,

I’m crossing my fingers on this one.

Last time I applied for a position, I got rejected..

I took it really hard and felt that they were prejudiced

towards me..

I felt that they were homophobic and that they thought of me to be gay.

I don’t know, may be it’s just me. I’m overly sensitive.

But at that time I felt like they were.

Maybe it’s just the interviewer. Not the company itself.

Maybe I took it hard just because I was over confident.

Because this is the only field I know I really am good at.

But I’ve grown as a person since then and that is why I’m going back.

I’ll get out more and try everything.

Take risks and learn from them.

It’s the only way for me to overcome everything in this life.

I have to not take life seriously and just be…

I didn’t find anything that I could really do.

This is a big deal because I feel that I should

be the one who takes care of everyone.

That image is the one that gets me.

I ain’t humble at all.

I’m just like the rest too much ego..

I’ve decided to embrace my true self which is

nothing, and everything all at the same time.

I look back at my life and it just became so clear.

My unhappiness has gone and I’ve finally accepted

and surrendered.

It was difficult at first relinquishing my so called self 

image.

But everything is fine now and I would continually be.

I can’t help but to start a new life.

You get so scared at first. 

But now it seems as if I’m finally ready.

I was abandoned left with nothing.

Depressing but it’s a fact of life.

When I lost everything I was associated to.

I had nothing ..

No friends, no acquaintances, no life to call my own..

I was so ashamed of  what happened that I didn’t

tell anybody about it.

I actually resigned, it was a forced resignation.

I feel like a failure..

I can’t admit to myself that I messed up..

Of all people!..

My pride won’t let me admit or confess it to anyone..

I find that the longer you stay home under this

circumstances the more you lose confidence..

Indeed it’s best to keep on failing and trying to

look for a job rather than stay home and wallow in

your misery.

But I wished it was as easy as writing it like this..

I’m beginning to question god.

But I know I’m just being ridiculous because

I was the one who chose this path.

I’m just so frustrated of not finding a good paying

job with my calling..

It’s easier to find the job you don’t want..

I’m supposed to leave home today and apply for a job.

But my heart is really not into it.

It’s saying `not that again’…

I stopped by a mall where I am now checking my emails

hoping that I would have an opportunity at least to get

to where I want to go..

Between what’s seen thru the naked eye.

The things we see as real, or are they really?

Once you forget to feel.

The emptiness of our existence.

The absence of control.

No real purpose, No real goals.

We strive, we hustle, and try endlessly.

But all there is, Is poverty.

We are poor for we dont see.

We are poor because we cant be..

All the while we continue to run the rat race.

No control and with endless haste.

Trying to attain something we thought to be real.

Trying to make use of the time when we were here..

All the more reasons we persevere.

The same reasons that makes us fear.

For so many years we try to find the answer.

We make use of time as if its our master.

We awake in our own living disaster.

We’ll die but until then,

We will live in our own hellish den.

While we strive to find the evidence.

While the mind strives to understand.

We’ll continue to suffer and demand.

Not knowing the truth, that we will never understand.

Is in the silence and at our command..

NANG MGA KATOTOHANANG DI KAYANG TANGGAPIN SA SARILI.

SA KAWALAN DIN ITINATANGGI..

INIISIP NA MAYROON ITONG IKABUBUTI..

BUO ANG LOOB AT LUBOS ANG PAGPAPANGGAP..

HANGGANG SA ISIP KO’Y DI KANA MAHANAP..

HINDI KO NA MAALALA ANG SIMULANG,

TUMAPOS SA LAHAT..

MATAGAL NG DI SUMISIKAT ANG PAGASA NATING TINATAWAG..

WALA NANG PAKIRAMDAM,

MGA LUHA’Y TUYO NG LAHAT.

SA KABILA NITO’Y LUBOS PA DIN AKONG UMAASA..

NA SA PAG GISING KO AY NARIYAN KA PA..

ANG BUONG BUHAY KO’Y KARIMLAN NG NAWALA KA..

ANG KATOTOHANAN KO’Y NAGSISIMULA,

PAG AKO’Y NANANAGINIP NA..

HINDI KO KAYANG HARAPIN ANG KATOTOHANANG WALA NA,

ANG DAHILAN NG AKING LIGAYA..

WALA AKONG MAGAGAWA KUNG NAISIN KONG BUMALIK KA..

KAHIT NA ANG NAIS KO AY MAKITA KANG MASAYA..

KUMUBLI NA SA ULAP,

AT NANAHIMIK ANG LANGIT..

WALA NG MGA KULAY,

WALA NA DING AWIT..

MALUPIT ANG BAWAT ARAW,

PATI NA ANG BAWAT SAGLIT..

SUMUKO NA SA KALUNGKUTAN ANG PUSO KONG NASA DAPIT.

HINDI NA KINAYANG MABUHAY,

NAKAKULONG SA REALIDAD ANG MGA ALAALA..

SA BAWAT PANAGINIP KO AY NAROON KA..

YAON NA ANG KATOTOHANANG KAYA KONG HARAPIN..

PARA SA AKI’Y NAGSISIMULA ANG PANAGINIP SA BAWAT KONG PAG GISING..

SA AKING PAGTULOG AY NAGSISIMULANG LAHAT.

PAGPIKIT NG MGA MATA’Y LUMILIWANAG AT IKAW AY AKING YAKAP..

NANG MGA KATOTOHANANG DI KAYANG TANGGAPIN SA SARILI.

SA KAWALAN DIN ITINATANGGI..

INIISIP NA MAYROON ITONG IKABUBUTI..

BUO ANG LOOB AT LUBOS ANG PAGPAPANGGAP..

HANGGANG SA ISIP KO’Y DI KANA MAHANAP..

HINDI KO NA MAALALA ANG SIMULANG,

TUMAPOS SA LAHAT..

MATAGAL NG DI SUMISIKAT ANG PAGASA NATING TINATAWAG..

WALA NANG PAKIRAMDAM,

MGA LUHA’Y TUYO NG LAHAT.

SA KABILA NITO’Y LUBOS PA DIN AKONG UMAASA..

NA SA PAG GISING KO AY NARIYAN KA PA..

ANG BUONG BUHAY KO’Y KARIMLAN NG NAWALA KA..

ANG KATOTOHANAN KO’Y NAGSISIMULA,

PAG AKO’Y NANANAGINIP NA..

HINDI KO KAYANG HARAPIN ANG KATOTOHANANG WALA NA,

ANG DAHILAN NG AKING LIGAYA..

WALA AKONG MAGAGAWA KUNG NAISIN KONG BUMALIK KA..

KAHIT NA ANG NAIS KO AY MAKITA KANG MASAYA..

KUMUBLI NA SA ULAP,

AT NANAHIMIK ANG LANGIT..

WALA NG MGA KULAY,

WALA NA DING AWIT..

MALUPIT ANG BAWAT ARAW,

PATI NA ANG BAWAT SAGLIT..

SUMUKO NA SA KALUNGKUTAN ANG PUSO KONG NASA DAPIT.

HINDI NA KINAYANG MABUHAY,

NAKAKULONG SA REALIDAD ANG MGA ALAALA..

SA BAWAT PANAGINIP KO AY NAROON KA..

YAON NA ANG KATOTOHANANG KAYA KONG HARAPIN..

PARA SA AKI’Y NAGSISIMULA ANG PANAGINIP SA BAWAT KONG PAG GISING..

SA AKING PAGTULOG AY NAGSISIMULANG LAHAT.

PAGPIKIT NG MGA MATA’Y LUMILIWANAG AT IKAW AY AKING YAKAP..

LONG BEFORE IT GAVE ME A CHANCE.

THE SUN WAS DOWN, LONG BEFORE I COULD DANCE..

THE SOUND, THE MUSIC, AND COLORS I ALWAYS SEE..

ALL DISAPPEARED BEFORE ME..

I WAS SOLD TO A WORLD AS COLD, AS CAN BE..

NOBODY CARED, NOBODY COULD SEE..

I DIED EACH TIME I GOT UP..

I SMILED, JUST SO I COULD KEEP UP..

A SONG NO ONE ELSE COULD HEAR.

KEPT RINGING IN MY EAR..

THE MORE I IGNORE,

THE MORE I DISAPPEAR..

FOR EACH TIME IT DID,

I FELT AND I COULD FEEL..

I SWORE NEVER TO LET MYSELF GO..

FOR MY HAPPINESS BECAME MY FOE.

I CRIED ON THE INSIDE AND SCREAMED OUT LOUD..

LAUGHED AND SMILED FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE..

NO ONE KNEW..

I DARE NOT TELL..

NO ONE WILL SEE..

WHAT I DID FELT..

I SHALL BURY MY HAPPINESS,

WITHIN MYSELF..

UNTIL I SATISFY A FAMILY WHO NEEDS MY HELP..